Leeds Banter Archive June 05 2017

05 Jun 2017 22:10:23
Mammy, I'm coming home! Just booked my once every 5 year pilgrimage to Co. Donegal. Has anyone heard any rumours about an Irish pre season tour?

06 Jun 2017 09:50:53
Enjoy Lucas old boy. Take a road trip down the coast a few miles to the beautiful County Mayo - Mick's Country! I'll leave a bottle of poteen under a rock on Black Sod Bay for you. MM

06 Jun 2017 13:28:34
And a bag of chips balina eh Mick

06 Jun 2017 14:32:01
And a spot of salmon fishing at the Ridge Pool with Big Jack Charlton! 😃

06 Jun 2017 16:17:36
Now you're talking guys. Sod the possibility of catching the pre season tour, just get pished, stuff my face and see if I can remember how to fly fish.

05 Jun 2017 13:30:54
been away working researching a new political play i have been commissioned for which is boring as sin so in keeping with some of the bad jokes here goes (well done to anyone who gets to the end) I saw two undertakers walking round a graveyard with a coffin for hours. i thought they have lost the plot. i then walked up to this man crouching by a tomb stone, Morning i said to him, no just having a poo he repliyed I was then refused entry to a hotel when i asked if the porn channel was disabled. could be worse a knight behind me was also refused entry, when he asked why the inn keeper repliyed because all of our rooms and for two nights only went to the optitions he told me i have to stop touching myself, I asked him why was i going blind. he said no but you are upsetting the other costomers doctors was no better told me i was knickered, i said don't you mean knackered he said your breath is coming in short pants upset i decided to party with the seven dwarfs. well it wasn't a party more of a little get together must of been drunk though i got arrested dressed as the energiser bunny. i was charged with battery. while in prision the police told me they are looking for a dwarf fortune telling mass murder. he is a small medium at large speaking of fortuntellers i went to one, she told me a mestiours bald man would alter my fortune. later that night i was mugged by a skin head that's not the worse news. my mother just died. she had a back back so i rubbed butter into it to make her feel better, she went downhill quickly after that on her deathbed i asked me mother if i could look up my father, she said no, sadly he died five years before i was born i went for dinner at the literal cafe the other night, the head waitress was very friendly did you know i once entered the musican of the year. he wasn't very happy about it do you want to know to facts about me. fact one my penis is the same size as two ikea pencils. fact two. i'm banned from ikea i use to work as a contorsionist. hard job though i could never make ends meet, i then worked as a handy man, i'm great with sign langauage i got a court summons telling me to cut off the bottom of my trousers and send them to the liberary. that's a turn up for the books i thought I brought an aicent tampon last night, it is very old although we are not sure exactly what period it is from i had a row with the man who inveted the crossword. he called me a w something n something k something er i once masterbated into a packet a cheese biscuites. i was f"""king crackers do you know what german cowboys say. AUDI for christmas i want a new thesaurous. it is terrible not only that it is terrible you know i am always stealing kitchen utensils. i do like taking whisks i also once ate a clock. it was very time consuming, although i did go back four seconds how about a large precussion instrement in a bread bap for my next joke. drum roll please speaking of drums did you know the best present is a broken drum. you can't beat it did you know diaehaoria is herditory. it runs in your jeans my wife went to the gynocolgist the other day, good news she got a thumbs up my nan got killed by a grand piano. her funeral was very low key i walked out of my job as a pantomime horse, i thought i would quit while i was ahead a blind woman killed her guide dog the other day, she went skydiving i did a cool magic trick, i made my wifes hands taste of prawn cocktail. she was impressed, i said that is just for starters i read a new book about how ships are made, it was a riviting read i got arrested for being drunk in court, the judge asked me if i was inebriated, i said i'm english that's it for today MOT and well done if you got this far

05 Jun 2017 14:12:44
bravo BM - you've pretty much got a stand up act there! a bit of spelling and punctuation would have been nice though, I hope you don't write your plays in the same style!

05 Jun 2017 16:56:40
Alftupper. I think he wants us to read it one breath. I near passed out tho. Couldn't believe how much was still too come as I scrolled down. lol. Bit off time vine too it. Good none the less BW. 👋👋😃

05 Jun 2017 18:24:25
BW, you need to get a proper job, you've got far too much time on your hands! 😜

05 Jun 2017 18:47:51
I'm not even going to pretend I've read all that. Life's just too short

06 Jun 2017 05:51:32
Someone's got a Tim vine dvd for Xmas. You forgot the other one berm. I see there on the way out! Exit signs boom boom

06 Jun 2017 14:07:28
I gave up at the bit that said well done anyone who gets to the end.

06 Jun 2017 14:16:16
what did the cheese say when he saw himself in the mirror? helloo me!

06 Jun 2017 17:30:55
never seen tim vine but few have said he is good, chinese man fakes his own death but failed. no one bereave him chiese man walks into a offlience, one man says to him is this whisky? he says yes but not a whisky as wobbing a bank I was at a funeral the other day, and asked the vicar for the wifi code. "please have some respect for your poor departed friend" to which I replied "is that all lower case? " After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

05 Jun 2017 11:00:20
I see Elland Rd has been voted the best atmosphere in whole country! Where where were the mancs? Both 40 something!

05 Jun 2017 08:30:45
Roberto Mancini the next manager or is he just going to let Pep wear his scarf.

05 Jun 2017 13:36:23
Just joined zenit

05 Jun 2017 13:44:50
or maybe the scarf could be manager on its own?