Leeds Banter Archive April 06 2020

06 Apr 2020 12:34:54
EMPLOYEE NOTICE

Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early) .

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination) .

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers) .

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents and Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance) .

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much rubbish (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of rubbish they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the rubbish you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E. V. I. L. )

PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

07 Apr 2020 10:57:07
Sounds quite accurate to me Farsley but I am sure there are a few holes to be exploited.

06 Apr 2020 12:26:26
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation? '
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States. '

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention? ' 'Lecturer, ' she responded. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. '

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those? '
'Well, ' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish. '

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry, ' she said 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name! '
'Tonto, ' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy. '.

06 Apr 2020 13:07:29
And yes readers, I was that man. Well the Irish bit anyway.

06 Apr 2020 09:26:51
Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do, " says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves. "
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No! " Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long. "

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day! " commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this. "

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go! "

06 Apr 2020 12:11:50
Like it Opti, good one.

06 Apr 2020 13:36:19
Hilarious 😂.